Word on the street is that, just like the everlasting taker who refuses to retire, your apathy of many years is still with you and inspiring wonders only you can perform. "I will not get that PVC," you have declared.
In the first instance, please forgive me for calling you a Nigerian. Many times, I exhibit the same traits as the politicians you hate so much by naming things and people that are above my understanding: patriotism, national value, sovereignty, Nigerian, etc. But you must not be tired of me that quickly; otherwise, I would not be able to join you in your sky-high sense of correctness.
But then, let me correct the misnomer I started with: you are not a Nigerian; you are something better. You are Yoruba, you are Igbo, you are Hausa. You are Fulani. You are Kanuri, Nupe, Igala, Ibibio and so much more. Being Nigerian is for those who are more loyal to Lord Lugard's girlfriend than to their forebears who left them perfect societies.
The problem with these people is that they have bedroom temperature-level IQs, so they do not know that one can only force the horse to the river, one cannot force her to drink water. And you? The stallion. You go to the river only if you like or desire to show them that you too belong, which is what you did that time when you registered for your PVC, which is not what you would do this time that the PVC is out for collection.
No be dem go tell you wetin you go do, ogo!
It is unthinkable that a person of your stature will take advice from people who cannot see that this country is already in its own utopia. You are the first to arrive there; if dem wise, make dem open their eyes dem and join you, if dem like, make dem dey check am. The economy has never been better: foreign reserves have grown in multiples, whyever would anyone say that hunger dey in this country? Kai! These people too dey lie!
The education sector is all fixed. In Ife, students queue to use campus shuttles, what a civilized society! Ticket designs change now and then, what a civilized society! ASUU has not been on strike since Lord Voldemort Tinu took over. (Please disregard what is happening in some state universities and some professional associations– footnotes are not the points of texts). Can they not see that NELFUND has renewed hopes of students without future consequences to the nation? Our institutions are all making adequate money and are now world-class.
But why dem dey lie sef!
Today, they say kidnappers are taking people. Tomorrow, they say terrorists are killing. But only some weeks or months or lifetimes after, the government brings many of them back. What else do people want that they need PVCs to get? They paid ransom. Ehn, ehn, and so? No be dem talk say person wey no go allow you belle full, na to cook im food join your own? Abi when did money start to dey get value pass people?
When dem no get wetin to talk again, dem go say infrastructure no dey. What is infrastructure? Roads? For what? When did spending hours on the road stop being our lifestyle? People say anything just to criticize the government, and when this one leaves now, they start begging for a return. But na dem go still first complain say third term no dey o! Between dem and the advisor of Importer-and-Exporter, I no sabi who mad pass!
But agreeing that you even want to join them, does it even matter? Do you even matter? Do they know your worth? Why should you go and queue to get your PVC when there are too many things to do online, many things to do doing nothing? At the end of it all, is it not the case that all figures are always fabricated so that the predetermined winner may emerge? What is the point of the whole PVC thing?
Most of these people who get their PVCs, you kuku sabi say na to sell their votes dem dey after. Operation Periodic Voter's Cake is a go! At this rate, no one will ever measure up to you in your patriotism, even if you offered it for sale. 10k is too small, 20k cannot do. When no be say you be setting voter wey dey accept garri and food to sell votes. These people who will even give their PVCs to unit canvassers! Dem worwow, no be lie! Better stay at home than join them.
I agree with you. These days, I find myself wishing that God took the form of a human and occupied the seat of power in this country. I think He owes us this appearance if things will ever be better. He has given us everything, and we know it, but He should come and teach us Himself how to use the good in us. Maybe then we will have the courage to be who we ought to be: someone like you. Maybe then we will eventually come to wisdom, however late: we would be courageous enough to forsake our PVCs too. Maybe that is the revolution we need.
At that point, when God arrived on the register of citizenship in this country, I hope that you're around to testify that we have been blind, and you've been here to show us the way. But then, if your future is elsewhere, like the Savior of British Civilization, who is to blame you? With your kind of patriotism, a country does not define you: anywhere you go, you belong. Ibi gbogbo ló gba alágbára, ọ̀lẹ nìkan lààyè ò gbà! Even if you went to Yellow-hair Voldemort's country, it can only be 'tremendous' to have you there!
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